(Art by Ursulav..click pic for the site)
Yay so right into the deep end of the pool we go lol
My “Harsh” moment came a little over 3 years ago in the form of an ex-boyfriend who I cared about very, very much. On this particular day (October 4th, a Monday….oh yeah I very much still remember), it was evening and I had just arrived back home from visiting my ex (let’s call him “Johnny”) in NY. In the airport, upon arriving, I texted Johnny letting him know I had arrived safely and was on my way to baggage claim…he said something along the lines of “Glad you made it” and I got a litte busy collecting my baggage so when I heard a follow-up text notification I thought nothing of it, figuring I would wait until I arrived home. Once at home, I finally read the text and it said he needed to talk to me, that he had been thinking alot, now mind you it doesn’t take much for me to read people and prior to my leaving NY I felt a different vibe with him so I KNEW something was up, this “I’ve been thinking” gave me the “we need to talk” alarm bells immediately. The guy had already been busy with work a month prior to my visit so honestly I had already been slowly preparing for the inevitable break up and so this moment…it wasn’t so surprising for me..I was almost anxiously anticipating it. (I hate dragging things out and dealing with drama so if it’s over let it be over…why make each other suffer?) The next text I was so not expecting…”I realized that though I love you and love who you are emotionally and mentally, your personality, you are everything I could want, but I think physically you could be better. If you just worked on it you would be perfect. While you were here I couldn’t help looking at other girls and being attracted to them and it made me feel guilty.” (completely paraphrased, but yeah the gist of what he TEXTED is all that)….I was floored. My heart, literally, I could hear it break.
Ok I have always had weight and self-esteem “issues” from childhood; my parents didn’t exactly deal with that in the best way, and so his critcism, which may have been given with the best of intentions (and for all I know just really poorly executed), broke the skin from a rather large, slow healing emotional wound. It wasn’t so much what was said, I could deal with that, it was the fact that it was HIM that said it. A person I had bared my soul to, who I admired and who had told me repeatedly how beautiful I was, how much he loved me for all that I was just told me I wasn’t good enough. HARSHHH….I cried…I damned him to I multiple levels in Hell…in English and Spanish…I drank and ranted to my best friend…oh yeah it was on. Finally, I (reluctantly) accepted that he was right. I could be better physically, BUT not with him. I couldn’t be his idea of “perfect.” His perfect was one that remained amazing, but yet gave in to the whims of a man solely to keep him; he wasn’t looking for me to break up with him, but I did just that. Johnny hurt me, because I allowed it, I allowed myself to be brought down by a man-child with absolutely no tact, who didn’t even have los cojones to call me and tell me all that mess, someone who had no business looking down his nose at anyone. I allowed him to almost break me.
Three years and many ups & downs later, I am still standing and have learned much from the experience. I will never allow anyone to bring me down or feed me their truth; this is my journey and I choose to love me…imperfections and all.